Wednesday, October 24, 2012
10 Year Old Dreams
I saw a documentary about sex workers and in it, a lady said something along the lines of "At 10yrs old, nobody dreams of being a prostitute"
This is true. I have not met anyone who at 10 wanted to be a sex worker.
I do however know a girl, who at 16 yrs old knew she wanted to do it! She was a smart lady. I met her when she was 34. Thats 18yrs in the industry. She noted every job she did, every extra she charged, she paid tax on the lot from day one, had property all over the place.. she enjoyed the work, and im pretty certain she could have retired comfortably at that age, but she continued to work and build her empire!
At 10yrs old, i honestly cant remember what i wanted to be! I changed my mind alot. One week a teacher, the next week a writer, the next week a vet.
But i do remember at 10yrs old being attracted to things that were of a sexual nature. I read Dads "People" & "Picture" mags, was obsessed with "Rocky Horror Picture Show", I was a big book reader back then (and til i was about 17) and would read books for their explicit sex scenes, I masturbated alot, although i didnt really understand what i was doing, i just knew it felt good.
Sex/sexuality was a big part of my life. I was curious about sex, i was boy crazy, i day dreamed only of intimate things. This also came out in the games i would play. My Barbies were sluts lol. There were lesbians, gay kens, group sex....
I dont know where i got the ideas/thoughts from. My parents hadnt made me watch porn or anything bad like that, they were clean cut (apart from the domestic violence of course lol) .. Somehow, sexuality was just a big part of my person.
When i first learnt of prostitution, i on the outside portrayed a disgust for it. When my friends and i spoke of it, we all agreed that it was dirty...but on the inside of me, i found prostitution very interesting.I liked the "stereotype" way that hookers dressed.. their sexy shoes and dresses, hot make up.. just like how i wanted to be dressing at the clubs. I would ask myself - How could those women do that? Do they like it? Is it glamorous? Can they sleep at night?
As i got older and started having sex,i noticed something. I always had thought that sex was sacred and only for someone that you truly love.
But it wasnt like that. Sex was fun. Sex with my boyfriend was fun. Then when we broke up, i had a few one night stands and they were just as much fun. I didnt feel guilt. I didnt feel used. I had just had a good time!
Back then though, i was looking for a boyfriend. I thought if i slept with a guy asap, he would like me and keep me and love me forever. But of course, it doesnt work like that lol. In a way, i kind of got used to this and started to enjoy the sexual interactions for what they were.. and if it turned into a relationship, awesome, if not, it was a fun ride along the way!
Most of the one night stands i had were enjoyable but I can remember one time, a guy was a bit of a jerk.. and i remember thinking "is this what it feels like to be a prostitute" .. he made me feel like a piece of meat that could be so easily discarded...
Then came the moment i walked into my first parlour.
It felt like i had come home.
Working in the industry has not been a life long goal of mine. It wasnt something i went seeking. I didnt get into it because i was in a desperate situation. I wasnt on drugs. I simply just fell into it.. i think i had a choice of paths in my life and i took this turn and i truly believe it is the right one for me.
Perhaps if i had understood what a sex workers job really is back when i was 10, maybe, who knows, maybe i would have dreamed of becoming one!
The things i have gained from the sex industry are many!
Self respect. As a young adult i was very submissive and would let a man pretty much do what they wanted when they wanted. Countless times i had sex with partners when i really didnt want to because i didnt have the voice to speak up. These days, i have boundaries, i respect my boundaries and demand others do too. Not just sexually, but in everyday life.
I have pride in myself and my safety and health are very important.
Confidence. I can handle myself in pretty much any situation. Whether it be a social setting or a room full of drunk men. I can take control of a situation....and i can be quite scary when doing so lol.
Compassion. As a sex worker I deal with such an array of personalities and sometimes I meet men who have been in some pretty rotten situations... some they have had no control over, emotional/physical etc and then some they have brought upon themselves. I have learnt not to judge. I have learnt not to assume. I have learnt that even really horrible people need some TLC every now and then.
Drive/Ambition. I never really had big dreams and goals in the past, but the last few years i have found myself wanting to be more active in the other side of the industry - outside of the bedroom, the activist side. Making changes to laws, to the industry, for the good of the workers. I would never have seen myself the sort of person to go and see Councils and learn about Council Zonings and Environmental Planning... or the sort of person who reads the paper and sends letters to the editor and leaving comments on industry related articles. All of a sudden i have this drive to make a change! I want to make a difference! Its a need! A Passion! Something so strong that its hard to explain...
Independence. No matter what goes on in the world, i know i will be ok. I can look after myself. If it all goes to shit, i have work that will always be there to get me through! I dont need a man to look after me.. but i do need men in my life. I get the good times with my clients.. and then i get time for me. I like me time :) I used to think i needed a man to feel complete, that i was nothing, a nobody without a boyfriend/husband, but i know, i will be ok. I will always have good men in my life.
I could go on and on lol.
Nope, i wasnt planning on being a sex worker when i was 10 yrs old......but im awfully glad at 33 this the place i am at right now. Im glad i took this path. I am proud of the person i have become. I like the person i am :) I can sleep well at night. I feel lucky and i feel blessed. I am making positive change in peoples lives..
Its amazing :)